What to know
- Most Torontonians say dating a friend’s ex is a big no—loyalty matters.
- Some believe it depends on the relationship and context, but open communication is key.
- An expert warns that most friendships don’t survive if someone dates a friend’s ex, so think it through.
Is bro code or girl code still valid, or an outdated culture when it comes to dating a friend’s ex?
Sometimes, we can’t control our feelings. The girl next door can be pretty, or the cute guy from your math class, or a gym crush – but what happens when your new crush is your friend’s ex? It can definitely be hard to find love in Toronto, but is checking out your friend’s ex truly worth it?
For this edition of This Is Dating Now, Now Toronto asked Torontonians if they’re okay with their friend being interested in their ex.
Read More
Is it okay for your friend to be interested in your ex?
The first answer was a hard no. Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) student Hassan says, “It’s against bro code. It’s a sh*tty thing to do.”
Toronto resident Myia agrees and jokes it’s not okay unless her friend’s “taking one for the team” – meaning collecting something she might’ve left there. Otherwise, the friend should be aware of their problems.
She continues, further explaining why she would never go for her friend’s ex: “when your friends [go through] a breakup, you know exactly why.” She laughs, “I’ve already experienced him in every way I need to, so I’m fine.”
But another resident did end up going for his friend’s ex, but laughs, it didn’t go so well. “I’m single right now, so we’ll leave that at that, right?”
He clarifies his stance further by noting that he’s comfortable either way: “I don’t see why [they couldn’t] if I’ve moved on from that person and they have something going on. All the power to them.”
This isn’t always the case for everyone, though. TMU student Luke shared a time when his friend started talking to his ex-girlfriend just a month after the breakup.
“I didn’t really appreciate it or f*ck with that.” He explains the friend didn’t consult him on his decision. But Karma really comes around as he laughs that the pair only “lasted like a week.”
But this friend had a double standard: he could steal an ex, but no one could do the same to him. Luke’s close friend Nick jumped in, “I asked him if one of us were to date his ex, would you be cool with that – and he was not cool with that. So I don’t know why it was different [for him].”
Nick added that “your loyalty should be to your friend.”
Expert weighs in: Is it okay to date your friend’s ex?
Shannon Tebb, dating expert and boutique matchmaker, told This Is Dating Now the answer depends on the context of your friend’s past relationship, having a thoughtful conversation and setting out boundaries – but overall doesn’t recommend it as she believes most friendships won’t survive this.
What do you consider your friend’s ex? A three-month situationship or a four-year relationship. “If they didn’t have a real commitment, but they were hanging out, I think that’s less of a problem, versus someone that’s been in a long-term relationship, but [either way] my answer would be no,” Tebb told Now Toronto.
Agreeing with Nick’s earlier point, Tebb emphasized that “protecting your friendships should remain number one.”
What could be worse than dating your friend’s ex: stealing them in secret. She explains that it would be “more detrimental” to hide the fact than to actually have the conversation, comparing it to an emotional maturity test.
Before even speaking to your friend, she explains it’s important to ask yourself questions first.
- Is the friendship more important than this new relationship?
- Has enough time passed?
- Are you thinking about dating this person out of convenience, or do you feel you have long-term potential with this person?
But how do you approach this conversation? For those of you who also need a script when it comes to having serious conversations, she suggests saying something along the lines of, “I just wanted to share with you that I know you and [ex’s name] have been broken up for a few months. He has kind of reached out to me (if he reached out first) to get together. I think he’s a great guy, but obviously, I wanted to talk to you about this first and see how you feel…”
She says being authentic about it and emphasizing that the friendship comes first can definitely facilitate the conversation.
It doesn’t always need to be awkward. If they ended amicably and the friend wishes her ex well, it could work well, but the conversation should be held.
It’s also valid if your friend is uncomfortable with you dating their ex. In that situation, if your friend feels uneasy, they can then share that they’ve held significant feelings for their ex, that they were a big part of their life, and that seeing both parties together could be very painful – and request that you respect their feelings and wishes.
Torontonians can always find someone outside of their friend’s ex; it’s a big city after all.
If you do decide to date your friend’s ex, she recommends setting boundaries, such as not hanging out with everyone in a group, keeping the past relationship out of this new connection, and focusing on the present.
It’s also important to share a timeline, because the friend may feel hurt if they think they started a connection while you were together. She compares the scenario to the one between Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston during filming with Brad Pitt. That could feel like “even more of a betrayal.”
But for older generations, she’s heard of situations where divorced couples swap partners. “I mean, love is love,” she says. But all in all, “there’s a lot of vulnerability, and you don’t want to be hurt by seeing your friend dating your ex.”
But dating your friend’s ex is tricky, “There’s always going to be tension there, and it’s almost like you’re choosing the guy over your long-term friend, that you know. It’s like there’s that girl code, bro code. You don’t mow someone else’s lawn,” explained Tebb.
Got a dating story for us? We want to hear it! Send your experiences to news@nowtoronto.com for a chance to be featured in a future edition of This Is Dating Now.
