‘For my mental health, I’m taking a break’: Why some Torontonians are stepping away from dating

Swipe, match, ghost, repeat. Dating in Toronto has become a cycle many are eager to escape. As first-date horror stories multiply, are Torontonians quitting the city’s dating scene altogether?

Between endless swiping, conversations that go nowhere, uncertainty over people’s intentions and the occasional nightmare first date, some are choosing to step away — at least temporarily.

But are people actually giving up on love? Or are they simply getting tired of how they’re expected to find it?

“People are tired of the process of trying to find love; Toronto is a busy and expensive city. People are working hard, they’re commuting, they’re trying to maintain friendships and families, and then dating becomes another job,” explained founder of matchmaking company Single in the City, Laura Bilotta.

“You open an app, you swipe, you match, you have the same conversation twenty times, and maybe you get one date out of it… After a while, people start thinking, ‘Is this really worth the effort?’” she said.  

For this edition of This is Dating Now, we’re asking Torontonians if they believe the city’s facing a dating recession, and if they’ve ever stopped dating from a bad date.

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• Too many options, too few matches: Has Toronto’s dating scene made settling down impossible?

‘We’re all just really exhausted’: Are Torontonians dating less?

‘Dating should be a fun and a good time… but I think we’re all just really exhausted right now, and everyone is taking a break,” Toronto resident Jamie D. told Now Toronto.

She says that dating isn’t what it used to be, noting that social media and dating apps create a false sense of closure with another.

“Some people want to get hot and heavy really quickly, in the sense that we don’t really know each other, and adding people on Snapchat in your 30s creates this false sense of intimacy that you know the person, but you really don’t,” Jamie explained. “When you meet them in real life, it’s like you’re not the person I was talking to on Instagram.”

But Toronto resident Friyie F. doesn’t think so.

“I feel like a lot of things feel less genuine with social media and the unlimited options people feel they have, but there’s still some genuine connections you can find out there. All depends on where you’re looking,” he told Now Toronto.

But his biggest challenge is finding women who respect her family and can take accountability, Friyie shared.

Toronto resident Kristina is not currently dating and believes we’re in a dating recession, stating that her biggest dating red flag is how men talk about women.

“I don’t like hearing the generalization of ‘all girls’ [are a certain way]; I don’t think that’s very productive,” she said.

Bilotta says emotional exhaustion is the biggest reason why people stop dating these days.

“People have had enough disappointing conversations, ghosting, inconsistent behaviour and dates that go nowhere,” she said.

Because of that exhaustion, people are losing interest in dating.

“I don’t see people becoming less interested in companionship, but I see people becoming less willing to tolerate a process that feels frustrating and inefficient… The danger is that if you dislike the process enough, you eventually start convincing yourself you don’t want the outcome,” Bilotta explained.

Are these Torontonians dating less after a bad experience?

Jamie D. says her last first date was seven months ago.

“For my mental health, I’m taking a break,” she said.

She said the toxicity in modern dating culture, where once one person starts showing interest, the other pulls back, is the biggest problem for her.

“Who’s getting to three months? Who’s getting to three dates?” she questioned in today’s dating world.

This goes directly into Bilotta’s thoughts: women are experiencing a dating recession due to uncertainty in relationships.

“A lot of women are telling me they’re exhausted by having to initiate, organize and figure out whether a man is actually interested,” she said.

For Friyie, the people he’s dated were too lustful and non-intentional, but that doesn’t stop him from going on dates; he just goes international to escape the Toronto dating scene.

“I don’t limit myself to Toronto… I just look for genuine connections with people,” he said.

Bilotta shared that men are also usually nervous about approaching women, afraid of being rejected or of bothering anyone.

Kristina has had dates who made her feel unsafe, but she chose not to date as a way to focus on herself.

“I don’t really have anything profound on dating; I’m really just focusing on myself,” she said.

Are dating apps making things worse?

Jamie D. believes they are, referencing the paradox of choice as an issue.

“It creates this false sense of swiping until meeting someone who ticks all my boxes, but we’re all human,” she said.

But Friyie F. isn’t on dating apps, so he can’t relate.

Meanwhile, Kristina says dating apps remove the connection from dating.

“There’s a lot of unknown when you go online, and you just blindly meet someone, and then you just don’t connect in person,” she shared.

Bilotta says dating apps can definitely make “dating feel transactional.”

“You’re constantly evaluating people based on a handful of photos and a few lines of text. But I also think we have to take some responsibility for how intentional we are when we use them,” she said.

“Many people aren’t clear on what they want and swipe based on attraction or curiosity without asking whether someone actually fits their goals, which leads them to give chances to people they would have ruled out if they’d read the profile more carefully. On the other hand, some people overcorrect and reject others for minor imperfections that don’t reflect real incompatibility,” Bilotta added.

She reminds Toronto daters that an app should be a tool, not a dating experience.

Are people too quick to reject someone at the first sign of a mistake?

With the paradox of choice and dating burnout, Bilotta believes that people can sometimes be too quick to reject someone.

“So someone can be great, but maybe they said something awkward. Maybe they’re not your usual physical type. Maybe the conversation wasn’t fireworks immediately,” she said. “They just don’t wanna waste time; there’s so much dating burnout going on.”

Is love still possible?

Jamie D. says she hopes so.

“I think it’s just putting yourself out there and not rotting at home, and just letting opportunities come and just meeting lots of people and saying yes to lots of things and no, I’m sure you still can,” she said.

“But I think, at least like I think millennials, Gen Z, we’re just in an age where everything’s on an app, which makes it easier to connect with people, but also makes it really easy to isolate at the same time,” she added.

Friyie believes it is 100 per cent possible.

“100 per cent. Love is in the air. Love is here, love is there, love is everywhere,” he said.

And Kristina is the biggest supporter of love.

“Oh, totally! Oh my Gosh, I love love. It’s my favourite thing. I think people just need to be in the right space to connect in that,” she said.

Bilotta advises those who have been disappointed to prevent them from changing their views on love, to stop letting their dating history become their identity.

“Just because you’ve met five people who weren’t right for you doesn’t mean the sixth person won’t be,” she said.

“And I think you have to separate disappointment from meaning. A bad date is a bad date. Ghosting is hurtful. A relationship ending is painful. But none of those things are proof that you’re unlovable or that love isn’t out there,” Bilotta added.