What to know
- Torontonians agree that personal space, open communication, and mutual respect are the foundations of healthy relationship boundaries.
- Sharing phone access or location can be healthy — but an expert says it should come from trust and comfort, not suspicion or pressure.
- Relationship facilitator Laira Thomas says the key is knowing your own boundaries first, then communicating them clearly — and revisiting them as the relationship grows.
From shared locations to alone time, how do couples decide what healthy boundaries actually look like?
It’s a question that’s sparked plenty of debate online — from whether sharing your location is sweet or controlling, to whether handing over your phone password signals trust or pressure.
@wellbyshania Replying to @devanshiiidesaiii ♬ L-O-V-E – Nat King Cole
For this edition of This Is Dating Now, Now Toronto asked people near Union Station — and a dating expert — to weigh in on the boundaries that keep relationships healthy.
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So, what boundaries matter most to Torontonians?
For Toronto resident Jennifer, her most important boundary is to ensure she has alone time. “I think having time by yourself and making sure you still do the things that you love and making sure you don’t lose yourself in the relationship,” she explained to Now Toronto.
To have the conversation, she explains she has a yoga class and schedules other things they both like together. “Then we’ll try and schedule stuff that we do together at other times to make sure I always go to that class, because it’s specifically for me.”
Torontonian Naomi echoed the sentiment, saying she values time for herself. “Sure, we’re so in love and all, but I want to make time for myself,” she said.
As a direct person, she’d open the conversation by stating her need and saying it needs to be respected.
For Toronto resident Matthew, he’s already married — so how does he keep the relationship working? “We set up a boundary of respect. Assume positive intent and the classic, you and them versus the problem — that’s the theory,” he told Now Toronto.
He resolves arguments by simply talking them out. “You had a problem that came up, it didn’t go well and you talked about it. Post argument, you try to figure out a new way to work on it,” he said.
Torontonian Emily has that same boundary: a “respect rule.” She preaches open communication. “If something’s bothering us, we talk about it.” She added that there are also basic boundaries, like not cheating, but if it’s something more personal to her relationship, to have a conversation with them and respect them.
Sometimes, she’ll even say, “I saw this on TikTok or social media, this isn’t something that’s cool with me — even though some people think it’s funny… Please don’t ever do that.”
Is having phone or location access healthy?
All four mutually agreed it’s healthy — here’s why:
For Jennifer, it promotes open communication and she feels safer. “I think it’s good to be able to share those things if you trust the person,” but she added, “If you don’t trust the person, that’s a bigger issue.”
Naomi thinks it varies per person, but for her and her partner; they’re very open. “We’ve been together for five years, but I gave him my location like a month ago because I started to get anxious about things.”
As an anxious person, it helps her feel more comfortable, she explained.
Torontonian Emily preaches respect once again. “I have no problem with my partner having my information and access to my phone and location. Mind you, I know my partner’s not using that for disrespectful reasons,” she said.
“He’s not gonna track my location every day, He’s gonna be like, ‘Oh, she’s supposed to be home by now. Where is she?’” clarifying it’s a safety feature.
For Matthew, it’s open boundaries. “I don’t do anything that I’m not proud of… And we’re married, so we’re the classic one-unit, two people kind of deal.” He joked they’ve both responded in each others’ group chats, “Just whoever’s holding the phone.”
A dating expert weighs in
Relationship and Communication Facilitator Laira Thomas explained that having your partner’s phone password and location is “a free-for-all.” For her, what matters is that there’s trust, safety and comfort in the relationship.
It’s about the idea that someone can look at your phone without seeing something they’d be concerned with. But she specified that if someone needs to know where you are all the time, that might be something to address.
Red flags may be flinching when grabbing their phone.
“It’s different between somebody saying… I don’t have trust and faith in you, or if it’s kind of something where your phone gets left out, and if somebody picks it up, you’re free to have access to it,” she said.
It is still important to respect privacy and boundaries. The difference with secrecy is intentionally withholding information.
“I think really focusing and understanding that relationships are based on trust, and so privacy versus secrecy falls underneath that trust. As you continue to build the foundation of trust throughout a relationship, a healthy boundary versus sort of being withdrawn and secretive and behind closed doors, that will start to make more sense in whether that relationship is quality and strong,” Thomas said.
“There shouldn’t be deception and secrecy in a relationship, and I believe there should be privacy, and I believe that’s acceptable, and nobody should feel that they don’t have a right to set that boundary,” she added.
If you believe your email or phone is private, that’s also a healthy boundary and you can specify, “I’m not comfortable with you looking through my things, I need to be respected around that area. If you have any questions, I’m always open to having a conversation.”
But setting a boundary on access does not necessarily equate to trust. “If you feel that you can’t trust somebody enough that you need to look at their phone and you need to understand where they are at all times, that, to me, is an underlying problem that’s much bigger than having access to somebody’s phone,” Thomas explained.
So to set up boundaries — whether emotional, physical or mental — how should you do it?
She explained that, first, know your own boundaries.
- What do you need around personal space?
- How do you allocate time?
- When do you let people in?
- When do you want to have a social life outside of the relationship?
- Set up physical boundaries, what are you comfortable with, what level of affection?
Once that’s set up, communicate your needs.
“Especially when you’re talking about intimacy and sex, that is a huge area to set boundaries. And if you can’t communicate through that, that’s going to be complicated and then emotional, right?” She added that boundaries can also evolve and grow as the relationship does.
Got a dating story for us? We want to hear it! Send your experiences to news@nowtoronto.com for a chance to be featured in a future edition of This Is Dating Now.
