While it may feel like everyone and their uncle is getting it on, one Toronto expert says more people are choosing to keep it in their pants until they find a good connection, valuing quality over quantity when it comes to relationships.
Online, there’s a growing trend of people sharing their experiences taking a break from sex. While some people are enjoying their celibacy, others seem to be… struggling.
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Dr. Jess O’Reilly, a Toronto-based sex expert, shared that there is currently a trend seeing a lot of people abstaining from both sex and dating.
“There’s a greater focus on education and career. There are lifestyle factors that are increasing the weight and the heaviness. We think about economic uncertainty, political uncertainty, pressure post-pandemic,” O’Reilly told Now Toronto.
QUALITY OVER QUANTITY
She says people are also valuing the quality of connections over specific types of relationships.
“So, young people are investing in family and friends and in self. So, these really rich and intimate connections still exist, even if the connections are not specifically sexual,” she explained.
O’Reilly shared that there is also a trend where people are valuing high-quality sex over a high quantity of sex.
“I think we’ve seen a shift where quality of sex matters more now versus mere existence,” O’Reilly explained. “We’re more focused on why, what it means to you, what feels good, physically, emotionally, relationally. And if those things don’t align, we’d rather not do it.”
And on the streets of Toronto, people agree.
“I think people want mental stimulation and emotional engagement,” Gautham S. told Now Toronto. “Hookup culture is fine if that works for you, but I think also people want to feel connected to people in a different way first. I think people are just having more autonomy over their decisions.”
“Sharing that space with somebody is more than just a physical thing, and the experience, I think is going to be better if it is with somebody that has the right values,” Tom said.
“Are you looking for somebody to share your life with or are you looking for somebody to just get something out of your system?” Tom continued. “I think there’s a misconception, too, that getting it out of your system is going to make you feel better, but it’s really just a physical thing at that point. Why not incorporate that into something more meaningful?”
“I can understand that, quality over quantity. To each their own,” another unidentified person told Now Toronto, saying that it’s something he believes in.
“It doesn’t really shock me that much, no. There’s a lot of crap out there obviously and you understand why you’d want to avoid it,” he added.
CURRENT EVENTS IMPACT BEDROOM ACTIVITY
O’Reilly explained that while a value of quality over quantity is definitely a factor, when we have conversations about why people are not having sex, it’s important to remember that this is impacted by current events.
“I think it is definitely a case where one size doesn’t fit all. I think that we need to consider what’s going on in the world right now,” she explained, giving the example of high levels of fear and insecurity reported by a lot of Gen Z.
“For example, the 2025 Edelman Trust Barometer just came out, and folks are feeling a really high sense of grievance with safety and security being top personal concerns,” O’Reilly explained.
Based on the Barometer, a report titled “Gen Z & Grievance—A Generation’s Response to a World Under Threat,” revealed that 58 per cent of Gen Z respondents feel a moderate or high sense of grievance, with much of that stemming from fear and insecurity.
The original Edelman Barometer, which factored in data from 33,000 people across generations in 28 countries, found that a whopping 72 per cent of Gen Z respondents said that safety and security were top personal concerns. Meanwhile, 37 per cent said they worry about losing their jobs, and 39 per cent feel constant uncertainty about the future.
O’Reilly explained that in a climate like this, it can be hard to want to get out there and meet somebody.
ALL I’M ASKIN’ IS FOR A LITTLE RESPECT
The sex expert and former high school teacher says that healthy connections all start with respect. She explained that when you find yourself in a dynamic where you do not feel safe and respected, it’s unlikely that you will want to have sex. She says we all need to be more honest and allow connections to be more meaningful.
“Even if it’s casual, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to treat somebody with disrespect,” O’Reilly explained.
“I think that if we can be a little bit more kind to one another, we might see more people say, ‘Hey, you know what? Yeah, I’ll break the celibacy rule because it feels safe for me.’”
But whatever your sexual journey looks like, O’Reilly encourages everyone to start by considering their sexual values.
“What does sex mean to you? What are the physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, and practical components that matter to you? And those are big questions. I wish sex education included those questions,” O’Reilly said, adding that this would probably enable people to make sexual decisions they feel comfortable with.
“That may mean that you want to abstain and you want to be celibate, and you know why, and you know what works for you. Maybe it means you’re looking for a long-term relationship,” she explained.
“Maybe it means you’re looking for something casual, but if you’re really in tune with what sex means to you, all the values and the meanings you attach to it, then it’s easier to proceed feeling good about what you do.”
NO SHAME IN THIS GAME
But when it comes to talking about our sex lives, O’Reilly is just happy that sex has become a more open topic of conversation. This includes talking about it with our sexual partners, but also our friends.
“That normalization means that we’re going to have probably better relationships, better sexual relationships,” O’Reilly said.
“I think there’s a real focus on doing what feels good for you. So, if celibacy is what fits right now, be it. But if you’re ready to break that celibacy as well, it’s no big deal,” O’Reilly explained, adding that this decision does not have to be a dramatic one.
“If you are feeling exhausted by dating, if you do feel burnt out, then that’s a sign [to] take a break, and you can always come back to it later.”
She says that while there is so much external pressure and judgment about the decisions we make surrounding our sexual activity, and even some self-judgment, there shouldn’t be. It’s a personal choice based on personal preferences.
“If you’re not into sex, and you kind of fell into celibacy by accident, and you’re enjoying it, go for it. It doesn’t mean that you’re broken,” O’Reilly explained. “You may enjoy sex with yourself. You may come and find that you come back to sex in the future, but you’re not broken if you’re not into sex at this moment or overall.”
