Toronto queer advocates and influencers say that society needs to give people space to figure out their identities after Canadian singer-songwriter Shawn Mendes addressed rumours about his sexuality following years of invasive public speculation.
During a recent tour stop in Colorado, Mendes addressed rumours about his sexual identity ahead of playing a song focused on the same topic.
“Since I was really young… there’s just been this thing about my sexuality, and people have been talking about it for so long,” Mendes, 26, told the crowd.
“I think it’s kind of silly, because I think sexuality is such a beautifully complex thing, and it’s so hard to just put into boxes,” Mendes can be heard saying in a TikTok posted by a fan, adding that this speculation has always felt like an intrusion on something very personal, that he is still figuring out.
@lewisiana Shawn finally addressing his sexuality! #shawnmendes #friendsandfamily #redrock ♬ original sound – Andrew Lewis
“The real truth about my life and my sexuality is that, man, I’m just figuring it out like everyone. I don’t really know sometimes, and I know other times,” the Canadian singer continued, adding that it feels scary, as we live in a judgemental society.
While on tour, the performer recently debuted a song “The Mountain” from his upcoming self-titled album. The lyrics also touch on the years-long speculation over his identity.
“I have a change of heart / you can say what you need to say / you can say I’m too young / you can say I’m too old/you can say I like girls or boys / whatever fits your mould,” the song goes.
Mendes, of Pickering, Ontario, has addressed the topic before, claiming that he is not gay, including during a conversation in a 2020 episode of Dax Sheppard’s podcast, Armchair Expert, where the singer said that the speculation about his sexual identity was frustrating, as he has queer loved ones who were not able to be open about their sexualities.
2SLGBTQ+ ADVOCATES WEIGH IN
Advocates like Omid Razavi, the executive director of It Gets Better Canada, a charity working to empower 2SLGBTQ+ individuals nationwide, say that Mendes’ comments are important, addressing an issue that is relatable for queer youth.
The advocate explained that we live in an interesting time where youth have vocabulary and mediums to express and explore their identities, and more representation, than ever before. However, coming out is always a difficult process, and Ravazi says many people still feel intense societal pressure to not only find labels for their identities but to be open about those as well, which is a problem when you’re not given the time and space needed to figure that out.
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“For many people, [coming out] is not a one-time thing, it’s an evolution. You’re going through a journey of trying to figure out who you are, and you need to be able to do that within your own pace,” Razavi told Queer & Now, adding that there can be fluidity in how you identify both sexually or through your gender identity.
“There should be no set start date or end date to say ‘OK, folks, this is who I am,’ and I think that’s why what Shawn said resonated so much.”
“We’re all just trying to figure it out and unfortunately, he’s been so heavily scrutinized that he hasn’t been given that breathing room to figure it out,” Razavi explained. “That’s really what youth deserve… the space and pace to move along in a way that they’re able to really thrive and have breathing room to do so.”
Tinder Canada’s dating and relationship expert Dr. Jess O’Reilly echoed those thoughts. While there are positive aspects of Mendes addressing the rumours, including positive queer role modelling and the reduction of stigma, there are negative implications of forcing someone to label their identity.
“There are these challenges around forcing people to come out and to choose a label. Because what I see in this is a degree of emotional distress, right?” O’Reilly told Queer & Now.
“Anxiety and stress, not only due to premature disclosure but just the pressure that you have to pick a word or pick a group, I think for a lot of us that can feel like that, it undermines our personal agency and autonomy.”
O’Reilly says when society demands that people define their sexuality with a label or category, not only is it an invasion of privacy and a form of policing identity, but also an oversight of the nuances of sexuality.
“[It] really ignores that sexuality can be always evolving and dynamic and highly personal, and it oversimplifies, right? We’re reducing these kinds of complex human experiences and attractions into these rigid categories, and maybe not leaving as much space for nuance.”
INFLUENCERS ON THE IMPORTANCE OF EXPLORING YOUR IDENTITY
Monica Bancheri, AKA Gay Italian Nonna, is a Toronto influencer who has gained a large following with her relatable, queer-focused content. Despite rising as an icon in the city’s vibrant 2SLGBTQ+ community, Bancheri didn’t “come out” until she was 30 years old.
She told Queer & Now that she first realized she was queer at 25 and went on a date with a woman. Despite it being the best date of her life at the time, she was worried about how her “very traditional Italian” extended family would feel.
“I think that had to do a lot with internalized homophobia that you kind of have to unpack, you know, throughout the years,” Bancheri told Queer & Now.
“I convinced myself, and I convinced my friends that I wasn’t [gay].”
She explained that some of her close friends and cousins questioned her about being a lesbian. Denying her sexuality, Bancheri found herself feeling anxious and depressed, and during the COVID-19 pandemic, she was forced to reflect on her life, and if she was ready to begin living her truth.
“That’s kind of when I came out. I originally came out as pansexual, because like, I’ve definitely been attracted to guys before,” she explained, saying this made her feel that she could not be a lesbian, as the pressure to fit and conform to a certain label was confusing.
“It wasn’t until I was in a relationship with a woman, that I was like, ‘Oh no, this feels so right on so many levels.’ Then you really start looking into and studying compulsory heterosexuality and internalized homophobia and like, that’s kind of when I came out.”
The influencer shared that it truly takes time to figure out who you are, and everyone should be given that space with grace.
“I remember even coming out as pan and people were like ‘But you’re a lesbian. Like, just say you’re a lesbian,’ and I’m like I don’t know what the f**k I am. Like, just give me a second. Let me breathe, let me figure it out myself,” Bancheri explained. “You just need that time to kind of process without the noise and without the disturbance of other people putting maybe a narrative or putting ideas into your head, like you need to come up with your own conclusion.”
Fellow Toronto influencers Am and Noey Zletni explained that they faced rumours about their sexualities throughout their childhoods and teen years, while they worked hard to conceal this aspect of their identities.
The duo explained that they felt intense pressure to present traditional feminine ways, including Noey who had a boyfriend in high school. After leaving their hometown of Richmond Hill to attend university at different schools, the sisters were able to find the space to live their truth.
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“I think a negative part of that journey for us was [the speculation] like prolonging us from understanding and learning who we truly were,” Noey, 31, told Queer & Now.
“Because it almost sent us into like, fight or flight, like survival mode. Like, let’s just put up this huge front and create this whole entire different persona to be accepted by others because they’re asking.”
Am, 32, added that the notion of the public being entitled to personal details about people’s lives is damaging.
“Regardless of whether they are a celebrity or they are someone close to you, letting people share what they feel they are comfortable sharing with you is more, I think, the approach that we would all benefit with taking, as opposed to inquisitive and inquiring,” she explained.
