What to know
- Toronto daters are ditching bad dates with fake emergency calls or washroom escapes, but a local dating expert says the real problem starts before the date even begins.
- Dating Coach Andrea Lo says qualifying a match with five to 10 questions before meeting in real life can save you from ever needing an excuse — most people say yes to dates before they know anything real about the other person.
- Lo explains that many avoid honest rejection because of avoidant attachment styles starting in childhood. She says the best approach is to draft a kind rejection script, practice it, and use it when needed.
Have you ever endlessly yawned and continuously checked your phone throughout a date, just wishing it would end already?
Some Toronto daters don’t wish to wait for the date to end; instead, they make an excuse to leave.
For this edition of This Is Dating Now, Now Toronto asked Torontonians how they get out of dates, and a dating expert shared her thoughts.
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Here’s what Torontonians would do
A Toronto resident, Kris, gave a step-by-step explanation on how he would leave the date. “I’m gonna be like, I gotta take time to go to the washroom… Let her order some food, and then maybe I let her pay,” he laughed.
Kris explained he would always leave a date if he doesn’t “f*ck with her vibe,” or “just don’t dig it.”
Another Torontonian, Jack, has also planned his escape from a bad date, explaining that he would have his friend call him with a fake emergency.
He shares he’s thankful he’s only been on three dates and has never had to use it so far. Though he’s not scared to leave if his potential partner gives signs of catfishing or doesn’t meet his expectations. “If you are a little bit chopped or if you don’t look like what I expected or you’re not a vibe.”
When Now Toronto asked if he would consider communicating that he wants to leave, Jack replied, “[No], because I don’t want to deal with it.”
He questioned if it’s “meaner to leave someone hanging… or is it meaner to be fake,” stating “what they don’t know won’t kill them.” He emphasized that he doesn’t want to waste time on dates where there’s no mutual interest.
Toronto resident Gabriel echoes this sentiment, but assured he would communicate clearly. “I would honestly just tell them, ‘I enjoyed our date, but I don’t really want to do more.’”
But for fellow resident Alena, that option seems like a nightmare. She usually avoids being direct, and said that even if she really wanted to, she’s never left a date.
But what if you can avoid this situation altogether?
If you play your cards right, you don’t need to consider communicating or escaping. Toronto Dating Hub Founder and Dating Coach Andrea Lo emphasizes the value of qualifying a potential partner before going on a date with them.
If you’re meeting people on dating apps, she recommends asking at least five to 10 questions beyond planning the date, some of which are related to getting to know the other person’s personality or values.
The issue often stems from wanting to impress someone, but people tend to forget to qualify whether they actually see a future with the person.
“A lot of guys are guilty of saying, ‘Hey, you’re beautiful. I know this is bold, but let’s go out.’ And that they don’t text much so meeting in person is best because they ‘do much better in person,’” Lo explained. She believes that action is just “throwing out these date invites,” and that they might find out very quickly that the other person might not be right for them – leading them to come up with an excuse to ditch the date.
“That’s why people are needing to have these fake emergency calls or set their alarm calls to go off at a certain time, because they haven’t done the simple work beforehand,” she explained.
Dating expert explains modern dating culture in the city
Lo shares that dating apps put a twist on dating and communicating in the city, often reinforcing the convenience of rejecting or ghosting behind a screen. Nowadays, people can straight up leave others on read over text messages, something that isn’t as simple in real life “You just don’t have to respond, which is not respectful and not nice,” Lo said.
She adds that avoiding others can be easy online, but that when you’re on an in-person date, you might not be as used to rejecting people.
Lo explains that speed dating at in-real-life experiences like Toronto Dating Hub is much easier because within five minutes and only two and a half minutes of speaking time per person, there’s no need for rejection, since the bell forces people to move onto meeting other singles anyway.
Compared to dating events like singles mixers, which she describes as a “house party” kind of vibe, she says Toronto singles can practice rejection and gain experience in the dating world with less pressure and stress.
What does avoiding an honest conversation mean about you?
Lo says avoidancy only contributes to a toxic dating culture. “People are breaking up through text messages, like they can’t even have a phone call with you. They just want to avoid it altogether,” she said.
But she poses a question to Torontonians: where does this response (or lack thereof) come from? According to Lo, a lot of it has to do with doing inner work, personality types and traumas.
She asks locals to particularly reflect on their attachment styles and childhoods, with questions like:
- How were your parents around you?
- Did they show you how to have these conversations?
- Are you avoiding someone or getting uncomfortable when they’re getting close to you because you don’t want to get hurt?
And after all of that reflection, she deduces that creating fake emergencies and the avoidance of an honest, adult conversation stem from avoidant attachment.
How should you open an honest conversation with your date?
Lo believes the age old proverb: “honesty is the best policy.” She recommends avoiding cheesy lines like “it’s not you, it’s me,” and suggests simply explaining that you’re not feeling a romantic connection.
For those in need of a little extra help, she recommends drafting a script through ChatGPT that feels comfortable. “Honestly, it sounds silly, but like, practice it,” she assured, whether that be in front of a mirror or to your friend.
How to handle rejection
It definitely depends on your personality type and life experiences when it comes to how you react, and maybe you should analyze that. If you’re someone with a harsh past who has been neglected by parents, this one isolated incident may feel like a depressive state. If that’s the case, she suggests therapy or seeing a dating coach – a safety net.
“Rejection is hard. No joke here, there’s no shaming or embarrassment here,” she reassures.
For some, they need support, others need meditation, yoga or boxing. Whatever your technique is, ensure to have something that makes you happy outside of a relationship.
“It’s inevitable that there’s going to be rejection… If you can’t handle the rejection at any point in time, in a way, it’s like you’re not ready for dating to begin with.”
She reassures Toronto’s singles, “There wouldn’t be dating apps and singles events if it were that easy to find someone, you know. It’s like how many frogs you have to kiss. It’s a process.”
Got a dating story for us? We want to hear it! Send your experiences to news@nowtoronto.com for a chance to be featured in a future edition of This Is Dating Now.
