What to know
- A “hall pass” is an agreed-upon exception to monogamy, often for a one-time encounter with a celebrity or crush.
- Among Torontonians, reactions to the concept range from support to rejection, revealing diverse attitudes on modern relationships.
- Communication, trust, and boundaries are key themes that emerge in discussions about hall passes.
- An expert cautions that while the idea may seem harmless, it can have unexpected effects on relationships.
Is there someone that you find so attractive that you’d consider a one-time fling, even while in a relationship? If so, have you ever considered a “hall pass”?
The concept of a hall pass started as a playful way for couples to share which celebrity each partner would like to sleep with, explained Relationship and Communication Facilitator Laira Thomas explained that it started. But now, it’s been discussed as someone who could also be local.
“A hall pass is someone who you have discussed that you allow your partner to date or to be intimate with outside of your relationship, whether you’re in a monogamous or in an open relationship,” Thomas told Now Toronto.
The debate over whether it’s considered cheating, whether communication makes it acceptable, and the root cause of this desire is in question when discussing a hall pass.
For this edition of This Is Dating Now, Now Toronto asked residents on King St W. and a dating expert to weigh in on the idea of a hall pass.
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Do Torontonians agree with the idea of a “hall pass”?
Toronto resident Janaya H. disagrees with the idea of a “hall pass,” saying it’s inappropriate to have sex with someone else while in an exclusive relationship. But she says that hall passes can be circumstantial.
“I don’t think you need one… I see how people that are together, [or] married for 20 years, may need to spice some stuff up, but, other than that, there’s no real reason, but I personally wouldn’t,” she told Now Toronto.
If the desire to have a hall pass is communicated and accepted by their partner, Janaya doesn’t believe it counts as cheating.
“I think we’re human, and we all have, like, ‘oh, this person’s fine.’ This is a desire, but no, it’s not cheating,” she shared.
Toronto resident Johnny Papadakos also believes that it’s unacceptable to have a hall pass in a relationship.
“If you’re in a relationship, you should be committed,” he told Now Toronto. “If you’re interested in exploring elsewhere, you should probably break up with your significant other and do that.”
Papadakos believes it’s a form of cheating, too.
“If you’re requesting one or seeking your approval for the approval of your significant other to have a hall pass, that probably means you shouldn’t be in a relationship,” Papadakos said.
But a couple, Pavel M. and Nile L., told Now Toronto that having a hall pass is okay, as long as there’s communication.
“Communication is an important part of any type of relationship,” Nile explained.
Though he’s not looking to give or receive a hall pass.
He believes that sometimes it takes maturity and compromise in relationships.
Pavel agrees, saying he’s not looking to give or receive a hall pass either, but might be open to the idea eventually.
“Eventually, maybe if he allows the same thing,” he said.
So do people feel any different when it comes to having a hall pass for a celebrity? Janaya says yes
“Somebody local you can get to is crazy, but like a celebrity is like, okay, you find people attractive, that’s fine,” Janaya said.
But Papadakos and Nile disagree, saying, at the end of the day celebrities are regular people as well.
Meanwhile, in Thomas’ expert opinion, having a hall pass for a celebrity engages a playful fantasy in a flirty, non-harmful way. But with a local person, it can damage the ego by threatening an emotional affair and undermine the stability of that relationship.
“Someone can feel maybe they aren’t enough, and then they internalize it. That’s a really negative way of going down a path that can tear a relationship,” she said.
So, if allowing your partner to have a hall pass is up for discussion in your relationship, Thomas recommends establishing boundaries.
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That includes asking questions about what your partner is comfortable with you sharing, and what different outcomes of having a hall pass would look like.
“Do you want to talk about [that experience] with the other person? Is it something that you keep to yourself?” she explained.
“What happens when one person is fulfilling that hall pass, and the other person isn’t? Is there a hall pass about flirting and foreplay and making out, or is intercourse a part of that?” she continued.
“So really making sure that you talk about the details, the scenarios, getting into the nitty-gritty of what that looks like for each of you and what you’re willing to expect.”
But she says that she doesn’t believe it’s cheating as long as there’s open communication about what you both want and expect.
“Cheating is deception. A hall pass is specifically designed because two people in a relationship have discussed it. The word ‘pass’ itself says, ‘here is your get-out-of-jail-free card,’ right? Go ahead and do what you need to do. I’m giving you the freedom to do that,” Thomas said.
