What to know
- Intentional dating means dating with clarity — knowing what you want (and don’t want) and not wasting time on connections that aren’t going anywhere, according to a local dating expert.
- Many Torontonians are tired of confusion and “situationships” in the dating scene, with some preferring to date with intention, while others still go with the flow, depending on their stage in life.
- Dating apps and the “paradox of choice” can make intentional dating harder, as people may keep looking for something better and struggle to commit emotionally.
Have you ever thought you met the perfect match, then they hit you with ‘I’m just going with the flow’?
Well, it’s no surprise that dating in Toronto can be exhausting. Everyone seems to be cuffed, or they’re single and looking to mingle. The worst part: many lie about their intentions – both on the apps and in real life.
For this edition of This Is Dating Now, Now Toronto asked Torontonians for their thoughts on intentional dating, and a dating expert weighed in.
Read More
What’s intentional dating?
Founder of matchmaking company Single in the City, Laura Bilotta, explained that intentional dating means dating with clarity.
“Knowing what you’re looking for, knowing what you’re not looking for,” Bilotta told Now Toronto, adding that it also involves not wasting time entertaining connections that are not going anywhere.
She tells Torontonians to learn from their past relationships and themselves to become more aware of what works for them emotionally.
“I think the term has become so popular because people are just exhausted. They’re tired of being confused, they’re tired of situationships,” Bilotta said.
How do Torontonians feel about intentional dating?
Toronto resident Adamo only believes in dating with intention.
“You build a connection easier, versus unintentional dating is kinda a waste of time,” Adamo told Now Toronto.
Meanwhile, Torontonian Janice is on the fence.
“Situationships are really prevalent, and I think [current casual dating trends are] really a reflection of society,” she told Now Toronto.
“We’re all a little bit insecure and not sure with the world, and that’s maybe why commitment issues are prevalent now.”
Janice believes dating with intention means being firm in your intentions, knowing what you want, and understanding your values.
But she doesn’t believe one is better than the other because it’s dependent on the other person’s values, too.
How about trying to date intentionally, using dating apps?
Toronto resident Al believes dating apps are not the way to go when looking for love.
“It’s hard to find a connection with people on the apps… You only judge people based on their physical qualities… You can’t really see what kind of person you’re going out with,” she told Now Toronto.
“It almost conditions you to…look at the person visually before considering their personality.”
Instead, she says that it is a privilege to go up to people, compliment them, and start a conversation.
Bilotta agrees that dating apps make people more reluctant to make a choice because they feel like there’s something better out there. She says the paradox of choice creates an environment where you can keep “one foot in and one foot out emotionally,” making it harder to date intentionally and properly connect.
Read More
“When you’re connecting with someone online, you’re subconsciously thinking in the back of your mind, ‘Oh, it’s probably not going to go anywhere anyway.’ So you become disposable,” she explained.
What if they’re interested, but emotionally unavailable?
Bilotta explained that this emotional unavailability often stems from an unhealed past, whether that’s their upbringing or past relationships.
“Wanting a relationship emotionally and being ready for one psychologically are two different things,” she explained. “Some people love the idea of closeness and having that relationship, until vulnerability or emotional responsibility enters the picture.”
She says that trying to change someone won’t work — you have to meet them where they are at.
“You can’t change a person who’s emotionally unavailable. They need to be willing to do that work on their own and get that help on their own. You can’t be their saviour,” Bilotta said.
She explained that dating apps will often have inconsistent people, and you need to “weed through them and not waste your time.”
What if they seem perfect, but they’re actually lovebombing me?
Al believes lovebombers often jump in too quickly before actually getting to know the other person.
“It’s almost like you want me as a prize, rather than getting to know me,” she said. “Maybe I’m evil. How are you supposed to know that from just looking at me?”
Bilotta explained that lovebombers often shower you with intense affection, “hitting that fast forward button,” and once you’re hooked and “they feel like they have you,” they become cold, consistent and controlling.
“Love bombing can feel like a roller coaster that you know may leave you confused and trying to win back that nice version of a person,” she said.
She clarified that if someone’s genuinely interested, it’ll build over time and respect the pace of the relationship.
I’m down to go with the flow, but will it ever become serious?
That puts you into a situationship…
“It’s a glorified version of friends with benefits,” Al joked.
To avoid that situation and go with the flow healthily, Bilotta recommends analyzing the other person’s intentions.
“Going with the flow just means that you’re open and not forcing things you’re developing… but it becomes a problem when it’s used to avoid being clear,” Bilotta said. “When there’s no direction, no definition, no accountability, but still wanting to have all those emotional benefits.”
Got a dating story for us? We want to hear it! Send your experiences to news@nowtoronto.com for a chance to be featured in a future edition of This Is Dating Now.
