Should you have sex on the first date? Toronto daters, expert breaks down stigma

Some people swear by the “three-date rule.” Others think if the chemistry is there, why wait?

For this edition of This Is Dating Now, NOW Toronto hit King Street West to ask a question that continues to divide daters: does having sex on the first date change how you view someone?

The answers ranged from “life is too short” to “it’s too easy,” revealing that while attitudes around sex have evolved, the stigma surrounding it hasn’t disappeared entirely.

Read More

• Should you kiss on the first date? Toronto residents share their thoughts
• Ever faked an orgasm? Torontonians spill the tea, expert shares how women can reclaim pleasure in bed
• ‘I don’t want to deal with it,’ These Torontonians are ghosting their dates in person, but this dating expert is advising the right way to reject someone
• ‘If you’re ran through, that’s gross,’ Torontonians debate body count, and a sex expert breaks down what really matters

Do you have sex on the first date, or is there an appropriate waiting period?

Toronto resident Pratyush S. says he doesn’t sleep with someone on the first date, but said he wouldn’t judge the other if he were to do so.

“I think you should do it whenever you feel right. Life is too short to think about such things,” he told Now Toronto.

Meanwhile, Toronto resident Jeff Z. says he would have sex on the first date.

“I guess you can wait as long as you want, but as long as you’re interested in the person, it doesn’t really matter how long it takes to sleep with them,” he said.

Toronto resident Olivia V. said she might, if the guy’s “hot enough.”

Having sex with someone is also a way for her to determine if he’s bad in bed earlier and end the connection before it progresses.

Though she will usually try to “build up the engine” and wait at least three hours into the date.

Her friend, Nicole M., says she only has sex when there’s no other option.

“If it happens right away, there’s nothing to look forward to,” she explained.

But Toronto resident Eazz C. disagrees, saying that having sex earlier makes him gain more interest. Why? “Because you don’t care about public opinion,” he explained.

He joked there’s no appropriate time to wait unless you’re a Mormon.

Toronto resident Lukas N. agrees that he will sleep with someone on a first date if that’s the vibe.

Is having sex on the first date still stigmatized?

Pratyush S. believes it is still heavily stigmatized.

“If a guy sleeps on the first date, he’s considered cool, whereas, like, if a woman sleeps on the first date, they are sometimes judged to have low character or self-respect,” he said.

Jeff Z. proves to be part of the stigma. If he were to have sex with someone on the first date, he would absolutely judge them.

“I wouldn’t date them. It’s just too easy. I think self-respect is important,” he told Now Toronto.

Nicole M. believes women are most susceptible to the stigma.

“I feel like women have an expectation that if we don’t give it away, we’re prudes, but if we give it away, we’re s**ts. I feel like there’s no winning,” she said.

Eazz C. believes there are different standards, comparing it to this analogy. “If we’re at a table and 10 people move your cup from the outside of the cup, you’re probably still going to drink from that cup, but if 10 people put their fingers inside the cup, you probably won’t.”

Lukas N. simply said, “Let the dogs bark,” to people who would judge him or a girl for having sex on a first date.

Expert weighs in: To have sex on the first date or not?

Toronto-born sex educator and Bumble Relationship expert Shan Boodram told Now Toronto that the decision depends on consent and intent.

Ask yourself these questions on consent and intent:

• Do we both want to do this?
• Why are we doing this?
• Are you horny and want the relationship to progress, while the other might not know where things are going?

She recommends checking whether your intentions are aligned and whether you know enough about the other person.

“You just really want to focus more on, ‘Do I have sufficient data to actually have a good sexual experience for me?’” Boodram explained.

But having intimacy doesn’t automatically set a connection in stone. You or the other person could wake up the next morning and find the relationship may have progressed too fast, or want to end things, feeling they just got caught up in the moment, but are not feeling the connection.

But in society, there’s also the notion that you could lose interest based on not knowing how many partners the other person has.

“This notion that if they do that with you, they’ll do it with everybody. A fear of being chewed on, a fear of social consequences from being with somebody who might have multiple sexual partners, that could be humiliating for you,” Boodram said.

But there are also some people who might be bored and lose interest, those who enjoy the chase. But Boodram explained that’s why there are vibrators and techniques to enhance entertainment and excitement in bed.

Though if you’re both engaging in sexual acts, both parties shouldn’t judge each other as they’re involved in the same thing.

“I love the quote, ‘If you consider a woman less pure after you’ve touched her, maybe you should take a look at your hands.’” If you think that somebody saying yes to you makes them less valuable and less worthy, I would consider what you think about yourself,” Boodram told Now Toronto. “I feel like the strange tradition of shaming people or devaluing people because they chose to do something intimate with us is weird.”